In a room full of people. No one can hear you scream.

Demons.

Demons of depression is like being in a pool full of water and drowning even though you know how to swim. No one understands.

Everyone says “you look to nice today, with your hair and makeup on” blah blah blah, and all your want to do is scream at them and tell them that your blind at the fact that all I want to do is rip your head off and scream at you.

Ignorance ISN’T bliss.

This isn’t a phase…

I have cried just twice today. I say it, to myself as if that’s a good thing, I didn’t cry yesterday or even the day before that.

I don’t let on to anyone that I cry when I am at home. I usually cry in the bathroom, with the shower on, to drown out the noise, or I cry in bed.

I don’t tell Allen my partner, for I worry constantly that I will drag him down, and that I will interrupt his working routine.

I don’t sleep well either. Not just because of our 10 month old waking twice or more each night, but because I am constantly thinking, or ‘over’ thinking every. little. thing that does not need to be dwelled on.

I have always been a worrier too. Ever since I was in my teens, I used to dread school assembly. Having to sit in a quiet room full of popular people, who would sit behind me, it was as if they were intimidating me, when really, they were not interested (in the positive way), that I was a row in front of them yet I would feel nauseas and literally sweat.

From leaving Year 11 I went on to do Beauty Therapy at my local college.

I honestly chose two totally different subjects, which could not be more opposite if I tried. One was Car Mechanics, the other was Beauty Therapy.

So I chose the 2-3 year course, and if I’m being real here. I HATED it. It was complete torture.

The people who I had thought that would never intimidate me again, we not obviously the same, but were actually worse. Nasty, orange- faced, bleach blonde haired girls, who took pride in being spiteful and evil, who had the audacity to be in my group with me. Little quiet, plain- jane, spotty faced ME.

I barely scraped through year 2 with a pass (thank goodness), and begged for the tutor to transfer me to a different course for my final year, as I couldn’t bear to do another year with these bitches, but there was simply no space.

 

 

So I quit.

I gave in.

I was a coward.

 

 

I guess that’s what people think of others when you mention depression. You get the jibing comments of people saying “you have depression? Yea, ok’, what a load of crap”, most of us (myself included), didn’t believe that, that was what I had. I did not think, that I would come into that category. DEPRESSION, because that long, big word, associates with Mental Illness, and we all know what people think when you mention those two little words…. you are strange/ you are not normal.

So i will end this, without rambling on much more, with this below. Next time you see someone, maybe think before your quick to judge someone, just because they look fine on the outside. People are more than skin deep…

“People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again.”

Until next time

C xx

 

 

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